I’m getting disowned by my shit connection to this Internet, so my ongoing addiction to Guild Wars is put on hold for the night, a sitution which makes me sad, and I feel wrong playing Painkiller on a set of pathetic headphones, so in a non-typical act, I plan to write a relatively “full” post about something. This is more of an exercise to keep me entertained rather than to appease whatever sense of being you hope to achieve by reading this. Don’t confuse that with apathy of any sort or type though - it’s more selfish than that.

I’m not sure why, but for some reason I’m feeling all romantic lately. This isn’t a new feeling for me by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s a feeling that has become alien over the last year; I’ve just been on a kind of “dry streak” as far as my Endeavors With Women go. That doesn’t mean it’s been a completely inactive time, as I’ve definitely had a few “stints,” but they weren’t important, they were just kind of there. And, to be honest, I’m sick of stints, I’m just not that kind of guy. I’ve tried to figure out why I’m not a fan of the “friends with benefits,” “one-night stands,” etc. courses of action… Or, rather, I know why I’m not a fan of it, I’ve been trying to figure out why other people are so big on the non-commitment sex. I’ve gone that route (kind of, I don’t really get into these kinds of details in such a public forum), and I always leave with a feeling similar to the one I get when I eat Wendy’s or McDonald’s - it did the job, but it sure as fuck doesn’t feel good.

I like the commitment thing, I actually do like it. I enjoy the chase it takes to get there, I enjoy the process of keeping it up, and… well, I don’t really enjoy the end to the process even if my track record with relationships would beg to differ. The idea that at the end of the day, there’s someone always, or almost always, there to talk to, or simply chill with, is a fantastic feeling. A feeling I haven’t had since I left High School and if current trends in my dating pattern kee up, a feeling that may not be harbored again for a while.

Throughout the year, I was relatively okay with being completely and utterly single; in fact, I’d say I did almost everything in my power to avoid a relationship. If I ever thought I might be interested in someone, I sabotaged the entire thing to ensure that stability in my uncommited status. It worked well, and throughout the year, I was fairly happy with the whole thing; however, about a month or so before school ended (which, for me, was eight days ago), things changed. I actually “found someone,” and I use this idea very loosely, that made me want to rethink my ideas on staying single. Hell, I didn’t even really know the girl, there was simply something about her which made me want to do something about it. As time went on, it wasn’t even the girl herself which was important to me, but the idea that there was someone out there, in one of my classes where I knew no one, that I was attracted to (even if it was in a very slight, simple way). And this made me realize something: I have become a really shy person since I came to school. I wanted to talk to the girl, I wanted to just start some conversation up, but as time went on, I just becoming more and more unsure about how to go about things. I’ve went from being relatively outgoing in High School to becoming someone who can’t initiate conversations with people I don’t know.

Though it’s summer now. I do so love summer, and I think this’ll be one hell of a summer. I’m taking classes, sure, but I’m staying in a new dorm, almost entirely new people (and, hell, somehow Mike is living there this summer too, which confuses the shit out of me), and a new outlook for myself. I figure this is as good as time as any to start becoming less shy/introverted, and more like the old me.

Though, mostly, right now I just want to get back on a decent schedule - Shower, Breakfast, Class, Running, Lifting, Shower, Homework/Dinner, Relaxation, Sleep - again. Being home is totally fucking me up.